Be the River: Why You Need Self-Compassion in the New Year
Many of us tackle the New Year with at least one or two ideas around areas of life we want to improve or to change. Sometimes these come bubbling up with the limiting and ineffective accompaniment of shame, fear, and perfectionism. Inviting fear and shame to your New Year’s resolution party is like heading out on a long drive with a blindfold on and both hands tied behind your back. Fear, shame, and perfectionism are not good traveling companions and they will likely be the reason your resolutions crash and burn. My coaching challenge to you today is to consider the possibility of inviting self-compassion along for the ride as you move towards your New Year’s resolutions and allow that self-compassion to transform your journey.
It is widely known, among my closest friends, that I have had a long, arduous relationship with perfectionism. This may have manifest to the outside world with decades of tough running that included 21 marathons while home schooling 5 kids. As my hero, Brene Brown says, “When perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun, and fear is the backseat driver.” In my devout perfectionism, I’ve had some great, measurable achievements. What may not have been apparent to the onlooker of my triumphs were the intense, personal costs of traveling with shame and fear.
Shame and fear create a barrier to self-compassion and limit us by forcing us into the narrow path of perfectionism. When shame is leading the way, we are fueled by negative emotions which cut off the flexible, life-giving force of creativity. We work towards change in a state of anxious worry because success is laid out in one, rigid path. Fear works in tandem with shame keeping us on the razor’s edge of failure while it robs us of the joy and the momentum of little victories when they come. Fear suffocates what “may be” and thereby limits our ability to dream. These self-imposed walls barricade us from self-compassion and cut off possibility and creativity, all of which are essential elements of success. That is the path of perfectionism.
As a Personal Development and Wellness Coach, I work with clients to create goals around areas they are motivated to change. In goal setting, we use the acronym SMART: Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Realistic, and Time bound. Studies show that this type of goals setting is very effective in helping folks reach their goals. But my experience working with humans has taught me that goals are meant to be gently held in the container of self-compassion. Clear goals are especially productive when we view them as experiments rather than narrow, hard, cold paths to success. When we reach a place where a goal isn’t producing the results we had hoped for, compassion allows us to re-examine our motivations and it opens the door of creativity. It is here, in creativity, that we see unrealized solutions, explore new ways to move forward, and benefit from being open to all that is possible.
Self-compassion is our bravest resource when things get in the way of our goals. Rather than giving way to the fear of failure, or being overtaken by shame, we can continue to venture forward with hope, positivity, and peace inside the forgiving banks of self-compassion. It takes this courageous self-compassion to continue on in the direction we have set and to make the kind, daily adjustments to our expectations that keep us moving on the path towards realizing our dreams.
I grew up in Idaho and Montana. From the time I was just six weeks old, I spent many summers in the cabin my great-grandfather built on the banks of the Snake River in Southern Idaho just twenty-two miles outside of Yellowstone National Park. Even now, I can be transported over 50 years of memories by the smell of sagebrush and wildflowers. There is almost nothing I love more than sitting in the rugged porch swing feeling the wind passing through the enormous, lodge pole pines and watching that familiar river, the one I have known all my life, move steadily along its banks.
What if we saw our goals like I saw the river of my childhood and we viewed them with a steady, constant determination to move forward? Reflect on how the banks of the river hold the waters in a gracious and supportive way while it moves along its course. The earth that surrounds the river allows for the ebb and flow of rising and diminishing water. At times, and in some places, the water rages by at a heart-pounding pace. In other places, it moves so slowly as to be almost imperceptible. In winter, it continues to move, out of view, underneath the frozen surface. It bends along its course and occasionally has to forge a completely new path to continue to its destination. But there is no doubt that it is moving…always moving along. This constant, steady movement is what defines a river.
Be the river and hold your goals this year within the gentle banks of self-compassion. Celebrate the times that you flow right through your challenges. Enjoy the thrills of success and the speed of generous bouts of progress. Savor the peaceful moments as you steadily hold to your course and life is as still as glass. Take notice when life is sending you more than you think you can manage and you feel your water line is rising. Grant yourself patience when your strength has evaporated, and your resources are running low. Be especially kind to yourself when you are in life’s winter. You may feel frozen and solitary and your progress may seem unclear or non-existent. Find the grace in knowing that you are moving in quiet and imperceptible ways that are happening below the surface. Most of all, take comfort in knowing that winters aren’t forever, and the sun will come again, your heart will thaw, and you will know joy and springtime.
Goals are realized when there is steady, constant movement forward. Like the river, you bend and you honor time and seasons. You can take comfort in knowing you are progressing towards your greatness. Be the river and tackle this year’s goals with the bravest resource you have: self-compassion. Use self-compassion to navigate the challenges when they come and uncover the possibilities, while being at peace with exactly where you are in the process of change. Embrace your movement on the river and the season of life you are in right now in this exact moment. I am challenging you to abandon your walls and rigidity and to leave behind fear and shame and perfectionism in favor of self-compassion.
Be the river, my friend.